To Litigate or Mediate

If you or your ex-partner think that your position is right and that the court will rule in your favor, think again. Sometimes this happens, more often it does not. At best, you have a 50/50 chance that the court will favor you versus your ex-partner on any given issue. In truth, your odds are actually worse than this because the court may come up with, and act on, an entirely different position of its own – one that neither you nor your ex wants.

The results of a courtroom battle are determined by many factors:

• Is the judge impartial or does he/she favor women or men (rarely)?
• How much hands-on responsibility have you contributed in raising your children.
• Has there been any abuse or alleged abuse?
• Who is better prepared?
• Who has the best attorney?
• Which one of you has more money and staying power?
• The judge’s mood.

Additionally, in the process of reaching a decision, the judge will often request assistance from court appointed specialists or expert witnesses. These can include Special Advocates who will investigate you and your finances. Custody Evaluators may also be used who will dig into your personal life and determine whether or not you are a “fit” parent for your child. Psychologists can be called in to examine you and your children, and social workers may also get involved to help determine if you are a good parent. Even if you are, that may or may not be the determination they make – there are no guarantees.

There may also be subpoenas, interrogatories, depositions, pre-trials, motions and counter-motions, releases, disclosures, guardian ad litems, invasive psychological evaluations, discovery and more. And guess who gets to pay for all of this? You do! Add your attorney’s fees to this for all of his or her advice and expertise in dealing with the legal aspects of the above, and the expense of your divorce soars.

We would all like to believe that decisions made by the court are based on fairness and what is best for the parents and their children, but judges and their expert assistants are influenced by many factors, some of which can be unforeseen, causing you to lose your rights as a dad. Without question, there is still a strong bias against fathers, especially in the areas of child support, custody and visitation.

If your ex-partner decides to take an adversarial approach and forces you into the legal system, the cost to you on a financial and emotional level can escalate beyond your imagination. The harm that can result to your children through this process will shock and frustrate you. They may need counseling and close supervision to get through it all. Many parents end up stressed beyond their ability to cope, turning to medications, alcohol and recreational drugs for relief.

Even if you win in court, the result is often bittersweet. The emotional distress and trauma that you and your family have gone through will weigh heavily on the outcome even if it's in your favor.

Do everything within your power to resolve your differences between each other in a cooperative way. You may feel some personal satisfaction by striking back at your ex, but your children will always suffer the most. Trust me, it's not worth it.

The following list is just a few of the unfortunate events that can cause you great distress, unhappiness, and untold expense if they happen:

• Invasive custody evaluations may be performed where you could be asked to respond to a lengthy list of questions about your personal affairs.

• If your ex accuses you of any form of abuse toward her or the children, a social worker whose goal it is to “prove” you are the abusive father your ex claims you to be will be called in to interrogate or investigate you. Even worse, if your ex accuses you or sexually abusing your children, you will be charged with criminal proceedings and literally go through hell.

• If you end up in court defending your abilities to father your children, you may be made to look incompetent and uncaring, regardless of the truth.

These are just a few of the things that can cause you great frustration and add to your legal fees. Except for the social worker, it requires paid professionals to do all of these evaluations. Sometimes, the party who requested an evaluation has to pay. Other times, the judge may force you or both of you to pay.

Mediation is a far better alternative to the courts and is now mandatory in many states before parents can divorce.

Go to "Comparison Cost of Litigation Versus Mediation"